oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
