Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
