I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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