who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
