you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you had me at cake vodka
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
