Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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