first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Everything about him screamed your future.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
