and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
