the condom got lost in my hair
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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