last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
