So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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