just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
