The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can't talk, ducks in the car
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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