Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
