Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
