i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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