Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
