I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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