oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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