Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
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