i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
