Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
