Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
