Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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