I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
