I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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