She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
