I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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