Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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