So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
