...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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