There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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