my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
