my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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