Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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