So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I supernannyed him into submission
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
