so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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