Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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