I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
