it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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