my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you had me at cake vodka
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
