o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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