Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
