Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
