i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
