Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
