Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
