I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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