Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
