4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
