Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
me + whiskey = a bad person
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
