nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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