be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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