mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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