At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
