there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
