You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
