2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
